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How Gay Rights Influenced my Deconversion

By on May 20, 2013 in Atheism & Skepticism, Liberty & Freedom

Last week Minnesota became the 12th state to legalize gay marriage. The law will go into effect on August 1, 2013. As you probably have surmised from my post last November on the vote to ban gay marriage and immortalize it in the Minnesota Constitution (which obviously did not pass), this decision makes me very happy. This momentous event has caused me to reflect on how important the issue of gay rights has been in my deconversion from Christianity, and ultimately from all religion.

To summarize, it has been very important.

I should start by setting the stage and let you know that I am not gay. Perhaps that shouldn’t be relevant, but I feel that it helps you to understand my perspective a little more fully. I do however have many gay family members and friends. I will not specify any further out of respect for their privacy except to say that many of these people have meant a lot to me throughout my entire life. I mention this not because I want you to let me off the hook for what I’m about to admit, but because it’s a pivotal fact in this story.

Hate the Sin; Love the Sinner and other Crap I Believed

It was during middle school that I began my journey into a very strong Christian faith. At some point along the way, I adopted a fairly common evangelical Christian mentality towards homosexuality which is to “hate the sin, but love the sinner.” At first, this seemed perfectly reasonable, loving, and in line with my understanding of what I believed the bible taught on the subject. I believed that god made man and woman, and that they (one man, one woman) should be together for the primary purpose of having children, and to create a perfect holy union within the trinity. I believed that within those boundaries were the only acceptable ways of expressing sexuality.

Prior to my path to devout Christian, my religious training was more general. I have discussed in other posts that my parents are believers, but not overtly dogmatic towards any denomination of Christianity. We attended a Lutheran Church, but frequently missed services, and I was a hit and miss Sunday school student. I cannot think of any discussions on the morality of homosexuality prior to my middle school years. And although I cannot remember the specific timeline, at some point I went from not having any memorable opinion about homosexuality, to believing it was a sinful lifestyle condemned by god.

In short, and to be clear, I now believe my religious understanding entirely shaped any opinion I later adopted regarding homosexuals and the immorality of homosexual behavior during the years of my faith.

I Think I Love Ya

At the same time, I still truly loved (in my mind) those in my life who were gay. But god’s message had put me into conflict with how I felt about my gay friends and family members. So to justify this belief, I likened homosexuality to alcoholism. I told myself it was the behavior — the physical acts of love — that offended god, not merely being gay. For, a recovering alcoholic can lead a healthy and moral life. It is only when they fall off the wagon that the downward spiral begins. And although at the time, I did not know any of the science surrounding the topic, I believed that a homosexual lifestyle was a choice, at least to some degree. Even if an inclination towards homosexuality is innate and inherited, it didn’t mean indulging in that behavior was ok. This too, I likened to alcoholism, and separated it from the idea of racial identity, and civil rights, where a person is born a certain way. We all had been given free will, I reasoned, and were empowered by god to push aside our base instincts and urges. We all have burdens to bear, and some were given the burden of being gay. This tactic worked for me for a long time. I had never felt hatred or anger towards gays. The emotion was closer to pity. I felt terrible that they had been afflicted by this demonic tendency and hunger for someone of the same gender. I prayed for them. I truly wanted them to find salvation in the house of god, and be able to live free from sinful behavior. I believed I was righteous, and I believed this was what god expected me to believe.

I look back on this way of thinking with extreme shame and humility. I now see clearly that I was wrong.

Over time, the thorny contradiction between god’s will and how I wanted to treat the people I loved poked at me. Some of the gay people I loved came out of the closet (none of those revelations were truly surprising frankly), and I began to feel conflicted between what I believed god wanted from me and what I felt was moral behavior towards a fellow human being who I loved and who loved others in return. I learned a little bit about the science of homosexuality as well, and came to the (true) conclusion that there is a strong biological component, and that even if the trait is not born in a person (which I believe it is), then it develops from an early enough age that it might as well be from birth. I began to question how a loving and just god could afflict his children (a fairly large total number of them at around 3% to 8%) in nearly every culture, yet condemn them for acting on their natural impulses. It would have been one thing if those impulses hurt others, but how is it hurting anyone if one person physically loves another person who consents to that love?

Why Does a Loving God Condemn Those Who Love and Are Loved in Return?

This single idea — that absent the word of god saying homosexuality is a sin, there is nothing else that makes it so – was a significant factor in my ultimate deconversion. After realizing the cruelty in god’s condemnation of such a victimless “sin”, in fact, of a behavior that actually promotes love towards other humans, I began to see other similar disconnects between the morality of Yahweh and the more evolved morality of modernity. I will not go into all of those here, but it’s not a small list.

After I made this leap in my own moral intuitions, it still took me some time to completely shed the baggage I had purchased during my religious obsession. For a while, I held onto the idea that civil unions would be a good alternative. That preserving tradition was a worthy goal. Or that keeping marriage between a man and a woman would prevent the slippery slope argument eventually leading to polygamy and goat marriage. I realized several years ago, even after I had begun to call myself an atheist, and truly believed that homosexuality was completely normal and moral, that even those arguments were deeply rooted in religion. They were reflexive beliefs more than well-thought out. It took more self-education in many areas of philosophy and science before I was able to articulate for myself a cogent world view that did not require a god for morality.

But it was this single issue that first revealed the Christian god (as I knew him) to be truly ancient, outdated, and immoral. It frustrates me today when I hear strains of “hate the sin, love the sinner” being expressed regarding this issue, even as I understand where it comes from. One reason I wanted to write this post is to explain that I do not believe most religious people who share that belief are haters or bigots, though they are often portrayed that way, even by other Christians. I think reality is more complicated than that. I do not doubt that many faithful Christians have grappled with the conflict I felt. It is a difficult choice to make between one’s all powerful god who controls your immortal soul’s destiny, and family and friends. Indoctrination is a powerful drug. Many who adopt an anti-homosexuality position tend to be regular people trying to live a good life, and trying to be a positive force in the world. Very few out there come even close to the level of vitriol spewed by the despicable Westboro Baptist Church. Regardless, of that, I do not fully give them (or my former self) a pass. If your god is forcing you to make a choice between him, and your treatment of other humans merely for behavior that has absolutely no impact on you or other sentient creatures whatsoever, I beg you to reconsider whether or not your god deserves that love and respect.

Photo Credit: http://img1.etsystatic.com/000/0/5583029/il_fullxfull.175325241.jpg

But They’re Not True Christians…

Some Christians get around this by claiming that anyone condemning homosexuality or homosexuals is not a “True Christian.” To those who say I have misunderstood the bible’s teaching in this respect, I would say, that is free for you to believe, but I believed and still believe there is more than adequate justification within the pages of the bible to support a position that gay love is morally repugnant. The notion is immortalized in the word “sodomy.” That said, if you must choose between being a fundamentalist Christian who condemns homosexuality, and a believer who cherry picks the parts you support and throws out the parts that offend you, I would rather you are the latter. I applaud your decision to ignore morally despicable teachings in favor of love for your fellow man, but not all of your brethren have been fortunate enough to grow up with that liberty in their faith. That is one thing I love about being an atheist. Unlike when I was a believer, and I felt that I had to find the truth in the whole bible, I can now choose any part of any world philosophy I want, and throw out others I have no use for without having to call myself a “true” anything.

For me, it all comes down to what are the things that improve human well-being and what are the things that destroy it? That is where my line of morality and immorality is drawn, and where the difficult discussions of right and wrong begin. I have yet to hear any reasonable argument that puts homosexual behavior of consenting adults remotely close to the “destroy well-being” category of behaviors. How can mutual love ever destroy the happiness of those who are in love, or those who live amongst them? If you can articulate an argument without invoking god (directly or indirectly), I’d be curious to entertain it, but I’d be surprised if you can.

A Path Towards Moral Maturity

As I think back to my former self, I am saddened by her and for her. I am saddened that she ever felt like she had to choose between her friends and family and her god, and I am horrified at the thought that she might have made anyone feel like a sinner. I am glad that I was able to shed my religious veil of self-righteousness relatively early in my life, and before I had met as many people as I have now, or will as my life continues. “Hate the sin, love the sinner” has its place in the world. There are many situations in life where we can deplore a loved one’s behavior, but still love them as a person. Homosexuality should never be included in that category, because at its heart, there is nothing inherently wrong with it. It’s a natural behavior that hurts no one any more than heterosexual behavior does among consenting individuals. As a result, although it’s under the guise of reasonability, the mantra to condemn the behavior but love the individual falls flat. If you have ever judged someone for their homosexual behavior while purporting to love them, you should know you have probably hurt them deeply, because the only way they can ever gain your acceptance is by suppressing something within them that is perfectly normal and good. If you find condemnation to be a moral way of treating your fellow human beings, then I feel sad for you, as I did for myself. I can only hope you may one day reconsider. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

As a Christian apostate, I have gotten a taste of what it is like for gays and lesbians to come out of the closet. In fact, the atheist community has adopted many of the tactics used by the LGBT community, and it has begun to pay real dividends in society’s acceptance of us. They bravely paved the way, often under real threat of violence and harm. I am thankful for that. I feel a little bookend of solidarity with them in their fight to change hearts and minds. I know from personal experience, that we all are capable of changing our thoughts, even on such emotionally charged topics as homosexuality and religion. I’m inspired by their willingness to be themselves in the face of hateful speech (even if inspired by misguided good intentions), and ancient ideologies still looming large in our culture. The tide is turning, and I am confident that in fifty years, or so, people will wonder what all the fuss was about, both when it comes to gay marriage, and atheists walking among the masses. Maybe by then atheists will also be able to hold office and serve on juries in all fifty states. But it is because of the LGBT community in part that I speak out about atheism, and my personal experiences as a former Christian. It is why I celebrate the new law in Minnesota and the previous states. The times they are a changin’.  Thank the stars!

Peace and love,

PersephoneK

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My Leap of Un-Faith

By on April 9, 2013 in Atheism & Skepticism

Leap from the precipice

April 1st is always an important anniversary for me. I privately celebrate it each year. I had originally planned to post this on 4/1, but life got in the way.  I usually refer to April 1st as my Epiphany Day, but this year I’ve decided to rename it Precipice Day, or maybe co-name it, because I feel precipice is a more descriptive word for why it’s such an important day to me.  Precipice also has a less religulous ring to it. After reading this, I know that many of you will find it fitting that I have deemed April Fool’s Day as one of the more significant days in my escape from faith, and that is your prerogative. If it gives you joy to see it that way, so be it. The irony hasn’t been lost on me, though I would prefer to think of it as my escape from foolish thinking day, because if I must pick one single day, April 1, 2002 was possibly the most important single day in my deconversion from Christianity to atheism, even more so than 9/11, which I’ve discussed before. This is the story of why.

In an earlier post, I talked briefly about 4/1/2002 and its role in my deconversion, but I want to go a little more in depth, and try to explain a little more clearly what it meant to me. I had recently quit my unfulfilling job, and decided to take a little trip alone before I started the next job a week later. I settled on Lake Tahoe due to the combination of beauty, lots of stuff to do alone (gambling, hiking, etc), and good travel deals. I’d never traveled alone before, and I was looking forward to my four days away in a beautiful place I’d never been before. And I actually hoped it might be a good place to do some soul searching. Little did I know, the searching would begin in my own airport before I even took flight.

As random luck would have it, I was scheduled to fly out of Minneapolis on April 1st. On this particular April 1st, luck decided to throw in a little something extra, a lovely Spring-in-the-Upper-Midwest-Blizzard. Minnesotans this turbulent, and lingering Spring can identify. I ended up stranded at my own airport for twelve hours as I watched my flight keep getting delayed a couple of hours at a time, and finally canceled, forcing me to catch a different flight at around 1 am. This was the recent post-9/11 world of airport security. Even without the snow, leaving the airport would have been a colossal pain. A friend of mine nearly visited me, but the weather and security made it too difficult. So, I had a lot of down time to wander around the (actually pretty awesome) Minneapolis-St. Paul International airport to try to keep myself entertained. This was, after all, the pre-Smart Phone era.

I had been wrestling with my waning faith for quite some time by this point. I was certainly still a Christian*, but the terrorist attacks on 9/11 had rocked my religious world in a pivotal and unimaginable way. 9/11 hadn’t been the first thing to make me question my faith, but I think it was the first event to make me seriously question God’s existence, if only for a fleeting moment. By the time of my Tahoe trip in April 2002, I had not allowed that thought to germinate. It seemed too awful to really consider. Whenever it surfaced, I quickly shoved it aside, as something beyond comprehension. I had tried to never be blindly dogmatic in my religious beliefs. I have always found it important to seek the truth, and had usually found that truth within the pages of the bible, and in the fellowship of church. I believed the humans within the church were not infallible, so despite being raised Lutheran, I considered myself a Christian first. My goal in life had been to understand what God’s purpose for me was, and I took that mission seriously. It was because of that mission and constant learning that I eventually found myself in a crisis of faith. As I grew older, and educated myself more, the threads of the bible were pulled apart more and more by evidence, critical thinking, and science. Yet I was still not able to truly consider the idea that either God may not exist, or he may not be the god I worshiped, namely the Judeo-Christian god of the Old and New Testaments. To me, to do so bordered — and occasionally crossed — the boundaries of blasphemy.

I had hoped this solitary trip might help to clarify for me what exactly had been missing in my faith. I was even hopeful the trip might help me knit the threads of faith back together. Instead, sometime that evening as I wandered through the airport, I stumbled upon a discarded copy of Harper’s Magazine, and my world changed forever.

I noticed the cover of the magazine immediately. It highlighted an article about the Jewish Exodus from Egypt and raised questions about the existence of the Bible’s King David. I’ve always loved archaeology (majored in it for a time at college), so the fact that this was also an article about Biblical archaeology made it ripe for the picking. I devoured the article, and as I sat there absorbing all that I had read, I had a moment of clarity that I have never had before or since.Exodus_Egyptians drowned in the Red Sea

It was not the content of the article that convinced me of anything. I think it had some very interesting points, some of which could be highly debatable, some of which are more than likely truth. But it had questioned the existence of David, which caused a thought in me to click: If David may not have been real… Jesus’ lineage, ergo his divine legitimacy, would also be in question. The Bible had become a House of Cards in seconds. I had believed I was a fairly open-minded Christian, and I still believe I was as open minded as I could be within the boundaries of the faith. I wanted to hear other opinions. I believed it was important to question my faith, and consider other possibilities. I took Paul’s advice to be like the Bereans, to continuously ask questions, and check the scriptures rather than blindly follow.  But until that moment in the airport, I had not realized how limited I was in my endeavor to explore all possibilities. It was as if I was able to go as far as the edge of a high precipice. At the bottom of the cliff was the fiery pit of Hell. If I leaned over, I could feel its warmth, but I couldn’t see the flames. I knew it was there, but didn’t know how far down it was, or if there were any safe places to land – perhaps an outcropping to stand on, or a branch jutting from the rock to grab — before I was consumed by the fire. Prior to finding that Harpers article, I only dared peek over the edge of the precipice, crawling on hands and knees, never really getting close to the edge. After reading it, I took a few steps back, took a deep breath, ran towards the edge…

… and I leaped.

From that moment on, as gravity pushed me toward the bottom of the unknown abyss, I was in complete peace knowing I was free to explore any and all possibilities of our existence and purpose. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: I felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt like I was floating, drifting on the air like a feather with the wholly comforting thought that god may exist, or god may not exist, but I am now free to fully question his existence, and go wherever the truth leads me.

Come what may.

In that moment, I did not become an atheist. I still believed in “god” in the most abstract sense. But I was fairly certain that the Bible’s many versions of god were not accurate. My church’s version of god was not accurate. My version of god was not accurate. Along with these new confidences, I felt sure that if the god I had loved throughout my faith did in fact exist, and I was wrong, that he would be able to see into my heart and know that all I did was use the tools of reason and critical thinking that he gave me to arrive at whatever conclusion I came to. That I never sought to leave him. At one point, I would have died for him. That he would see that I am a good person who only wants to understand the truth. If at the end, I decided, that honesty gets me a final trip into Hell, then the god I loved is not the real god anyway, and there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. For the god I loved, would not allow a good person to suffer an eternity in torture and despair.

Fire_iStock_000020144064_ExtraSmallAfter I took the leap off of the precipice, it was a relatively short trip from non-Christian, to agnostic, to agnostic-atheist. I even flirted with Buddhism for a microsecond, and then let that go for the same reasons I let Yahweh go. I could no longer un-see reality. Once you’re freed of dogma, (and the threat of eternal suffering), it’s amazing how reality constantly bangs you over the head. There’s no need to create elaborate explanations to make sense of events in nature, to conform them to what my church, or bible, or spiritual leaders have taught me. There is only the truth (and that’s truth, not Truth). It exists whether I believe in it or not. Occam’s Razor wins.

I’m still learning every day, but I’m no longer hindered by fear of eternal damnation in my pursuit of the truth. That has made all the difference. And I believe I am not alone. It’s a terrifying thing to let go of faith, even when your powers of reason tell you it’s the correct path. Our brains are wired to believe things that aren’t here. To believe that the things that go bump in the night will find us. To believe that the way to survive into a mythical next life is by latching onto a more powerful magical thing in the sky. To believe in supernatural agency, according to Dr. Michael Shermer, may be an evolutionary byproduct of patternicity, a thing that kept us from being eaten by lions in the tall African grasses. Fighting innate traits developed over millions of years is a difficult thing. It’s not easy to take that leap. But not doing so holds us back. Believing the lie is comforting. Believing in reality can be terrifying, but it’s also exhilarating, and freeing, and ultimately, the only way I want to live.

Cheers,

PersephoneK

*In my 9/11 10 Year Anniversary blog where I discussed 4/1/2002, I said that 9/11 was the day I became an atheist. I still believe that is true, from a metaphorical, or symbolic, point of view, but I only realized it much later. Strictly speaking though, I believed in god in some form or another, for quite some time following 9/11. Apologies if that was, or is, confusing.

 

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My Blasphemous Deconversion Statement

By on January 9, 2013 in Atheism & Skepticism
[The below statement was originally posted on my Facebook page today.  Its primary audience is anyone who knows me in “real life” but I wanted to share it with you as well].

I renounce Jesus Christ as my personal Lord and Savior, and I deny the Holy Spirit.

There.  I said it.  It’s done.  Finished.

Some may think this is too deep, or TMI for a Facebook post.  I somewhat agree with you, but despite that, I have specific reasons for doing so.  This will also be posted on my blog and elsewhere.  You are free to share with anyone who may know me.

This is frankly not the first time I’ve said those words out loud, but it is the first time I’ve said or written them publicly.  Why now?  Because I’m tired of hiding, stepping on eggshells, dancing around the truth, and generally not being myself.  It’s making me miserable, and I want it to end.  For various reasons which I’ll not go into right now, I feel the need to write this statement of de-conversion (and unforgiveable blasphemy according to Mark 3:29) from Christianity and all religion, and tell the world.  Here.  Now.

If anyone who still believes in and follows Jesus Christ (or other gods) wishes to un-friend me or otherwise cut me out of their lives, please feel free to do so now.  It would be nice if you give me the courtesy of telling me you are doing this first, so that I do not expend any more emotional energy trying to be a friend to someone who will not or cannot reciprocate.  Just know that I will be here waiting to accept you back if you choose to do the same for me.

I am open and more than willing to answer any question(s) anyone (theist and non-theist alike) has for me as long as they are stated with a true hope and desire to understand rather than to attack, condemn, or “save.”  I ask that any attempts to “bring me back into the fold” die before they are tried.  This is not something I came to overnight.  My path of unbelief has been a long road that I’m still traveling.   It is a road I am happy to be on.

I understand your sadness.  I once believed deeply in Christ.  This belief was not fake.  I understand your concern for my immortal soul.  Please understand, I do not share this sadness, or concern for my soul.  I do not believe I (or you) have a soul.  I am not afraid of spending eternity in hell, because I do not believe it exists.  I did not “lose faith.”  I am not angry with “god.”  I have merely applied my (not unique) human gifts of reason, logic, and analytical thought to evidence as I have learned it.  This is a constant cycle of growth and understanding.  A cycle I’ll be on until my last breath.  I do not wish to cause you any pain.  I merely want to be who I am, and out from the shadows.

You do not have to agree with me or even like everything about me to be my friend (or family member), as I have, and hope to continue to have many friends who are believers.  But you must respect, accept me for who I am, and not go out of your way to hurt me.  If you cannot do this, I wish you well in your life, and hope you find what you seek.  If you want to remain my friend, I would welcome your comments/messages in that regard as well (though not required whatsoever: This is not a fishing expedition of validation).

To anyone out there who (un)believes as I do – that no god(s) exist — or is on a journey in that direction, and wants to either comment here or send me a message, I would love and appreciate that more than I can express.  Know that you have a friend here who understands you.  Trust that I will keep your secrets, and/or support you in your public exposure, and quest to learn the universe’s truth (small “t” intended), whichever is your wish.

Thank you all for reading.  I wish you all the happiness in the world.  This life, this only life, is too short to be anything else.

Peace,

PersephoneK

See also an earlier blog post about my deconversion.

 

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