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How I learned I’m a Religious Marxist and Other Silly Things

By on December 10, 2013 in Atheism & Skepticism, Liberty & Freedom, Ruminations

dreamstime_s_7671893_GOLDCoinsToday, I was told two things about myself I didn’t know (add groan). The first being I’m a Marxist. The second being that since I’m an atheist, I subscribe to a religion. While it’s entirely possible I misunderstood the person’s intent (this was after all a Facebook discussion, which aren’t known for their details and included people I’ve never met in real life), I don’t think I did. And it made me want to explore these hilarious ideas more in depth.

As an atheist, I’ve been told many times by religious people that atheism is a religion, and the variation of that is it takes a lot of faith to be an atheist. Let me start by using the dictionary definition used by the person who told me atheism is a religion:

Religion (noun): a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

There is a lot there, but from what I can tell, atheism does not meet any of the criteria listed. Atheism is not a set of beliefs about anything. There is no universal doctrine about creation, the purpose or nature of the universe. There are no devotional observances or rituals that all atheists must subscribe to. There is no one all-inclusive moral code. Atheism is merely a rejection of any supernatural supreme being aka god(s). That is the only thing that binds atheists together. Now, from that lack of belief, there naturally come many similarities in world views, but not always.

Religious people often mistake passion for religion. One can be passionate or outspoken about the topic of atheism or theism. But that passion does not automatically make one religious. This distinction confounds me, and most atheists I know. It’s usually thrown out as a red herring in order to make the atheist look like a hypocrite for daring to care about whether or not people believe in god. I care about world peace, ending hunger, women’s rights, music, and movies. Does that mean I am part of corresponding religions for each of those? Any reasonable person would have to say no. Religion, as its definition states, includes a supernatural agency (or agencies), and devotion or rituals related to that agency. Atheism does not meet this requirement.

Regarding me being a Marxist… this is even funnier. There was a time, in my younger and Christian days, when I very well was headed down a somewhat Marxist path. I’ve always been a capitalist, but I can remember a window of time during high school when I began to see the world from a Haves and Have Nots lens. When I saw the pursuit of material wealth as crass and corrupting. I saw Jesus Christ as the ultimate example of an egalitarian leader, showing us how to live together in peace and harmony. I did not want to be thought of as one of the greedy money changers in the Temple that angered Jesus so much in the gospels. And those money hungry Ferengi on Star Trek just seemed gross.

Then I learned about Adam Smith and John Locke. I read Frederic Bastiat and Milton Friedman. I learned, despite not being exposed in public school or through the mainstream media, that Capitalism overwhelmingly has increased human well-being over pretty much every other social strategy every conceived by man. This isn’t theoretical. Its reality. That data was supported by my anecdotal observances, especially when I worked for the Federal Government. I learned about incentives, and how they really matter. I learned that what many people think is Capitalism, isn’t. Capitalism is not the dominance of big business, riding on the wings of big government to squash the little guy. That is crony capitalism, where the government colludes with business to control the markets and pick winners and losers. True Capitalism is the most democratic process there is. It’s the way I as an individual can most make an impact every single day in the course of society. The United States currently leans more towards Crony Capitalism than most libertarians would prefer. This results in “too big to fail” banks, local restaurants crowding out the food truck competition, and ridiculous licensing rules making entry into a business all but impossible for many would-be entrepreneurs. All of which leads to more power for the established businesses and entrenched politicians, and less power and higher prices for the consumers. In true capitalism, businesses must serve their customers well, or they will exist no more. Serving consumers (read you and I) well means a better economy. A better economy leads to more prosperity for all. This is not Marxism. This is not shared work and shared fruits. Crony Capitalism may be closer to what Marx was fighting against. He saw the businesses and the governments with all the power, and the little guy getting beat up time and time again (figuratively and literally), powerless to control the winds of fate. In true Capitalism, the little guy holds all of the power. The little guy gets what he wants for better prices, leaving him with more money to get other things (or services) he wants.

The person who called me a Marxist did so because he Marx was an avowed critic of religion. He called it “the opiate of the masses.” This might be one area where Marx and I see eye-to-eye (hey, I’ll give credit where it’s due), but his prescriptions (ore his followers interpretations of them) for overcoming religion were about as far in the other direction as I could be. Communist governments are usually a-religious. Christians I have met often assume that where atheism resides, so must communism, socialism, or Marxism. I won’t even get into the ridiculous barb often thrown at atheists that most of the atrocities committed in the 20th Century were committed by atheists, but I will merely say that it is a logical fallacy to suggest that because one is an atheist, one must be a Marxist. As I mentioned earlier, atheists have no universal moral code or philosophy. It is merely the lack of belief in a supernatural deity or deities. Marxism is a philosophy for how society should behave. As an atheist libertarian, I believe in the proven power of capitalism to solve many of the world’s problems. If I could ever be accused of being religious, it would be regarding my love of capitalism. It has done far more in the name of ending human suffering than anything else the world has known.

But to do so, would defy the definition of religion. So I won’t.

Cheers,
PersephoneK

P.S.  I wrote this extremely quickly and didn’t edit it at all (except to spell Ferengi correctly and add some hyperlinks).  Apologies if that’s evident.  Sometimes you just have to get ‘er done!

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Fighting Magic with My Word Sword

By on July 2, 2013 in Atheism & Skepticism, Liberty & Freedom, Recommended Reading

PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD by PenywiseIn my recent post “Disagreement Does Not Equal Intolerance” some readers called me out on what seemed to be a contradiction in my message. While the contradiction was unintended, I can understand why it was interpreted in such a way. Such is one of the reasons I have this blog… to tidy up my writing and work to be more clear, as well as working through viewpoints I have that may need refinement. In the beginning of that post I wrote:

“changing minds about religion is not my primary motivator when I talk about my worldview on this blog and other forums, or social media, and in real life …mostly I simply want to be true to myself, be authentic. Come out from the shadows. And find like-minded individuals to commiserate with,”

but then later I said:

“it is my goal that one day, faith-based religion ceases to exist.”

The simple way to clarify this apparent contradiction is to say that while it is a goal of mine that faith-based religion ceases to exist one day, it is not a primary goal of this blog, or of my decision to discuss atheism in general, or of my life for that matter. But I want to explore and expand on this idea of potentially ending faith-based religion for a while. Hopefully I will not muddy the waters further.

JAIN TEMPLE OF AMAR SAGAR by PixattitudeI have said before that I do not think all religions or ideas are on par with each other. Some are worse than others, and therefore require different levels of concern, or attention. While I believe that it is better if as a species we all stop believing in things without sufficient evidence, I have few concerns with the beliefs of a radical Jain over the beliefs of a radical Islamist. Likewise, if time travel were no object, I’d worry less about the teachings of the Catholic Church today than I would during the period of the Spanish Inquisition or the Crusades or how it is compared to many other religions. So, even if I had the power or the inclination to suddenly remove faith from your life, I wouldn’t see the need to tackle them all at once. However, since I am a Christian apostate, naturally my emphasis will be geared towards concerns I have with Christianity over other religions I may understand less.

Absurdities and Atrocities

Stepping back for a moment, the time travel exercise highlights part of why I dream of all faith-based religion ending. Although the Christian church of today is much different than it was 1000 years ago (and obviously there really is no one “Christian Church”), the fact that it has changed so drastically over the years despite allegedly having the same beginning and end game, shows that human interpretations of unclear directives from an unseeable supernatural entity are ripe with ways they can be distorted, misunderstood, and corrupted, sometimes in benign ways, but other times in horrific ways. Even if I believed the bible was the inerrant word of god, as it sits today, it is still completely unclear to most followers as to the intended meanings of most passages. Are there two people in the world that agree on the meaning of every sentence in the bible? I seriously doubt it. That is a problem. And that problem has and can still lead to bigger problems.

Voltaire summarized my concerns more clearly than I have so far:

“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”

The truth is, that while I am an agnostic-atheist, and obviously believe that is a world view that makes the most sense (otherwise, I’d be something else), I’m less concerned about people adopting unbelief than I am hopeful that they adopt a skeptical approach to the world. If I am to be called an evangelist or proselytizer of anything, I’d prefer it be that. I do not want to tell you what to think, which is a common denominator approach I see as a massive problem with most religions, especially those led by a hierarchy of humans. I want people to acquire the mental tools to be able to critically and skeptically think for themselves, and come to their own conclusions using the fundamentals of logic and reason. From my perspective, I believe this way of training our thought processes will most likely lead to atheism, as it has done for me, but not necessarily. Humans are adept at compartmentalizing beliefs. I have to continually work to put aside preconceived beliefs, intuition, and preferences embedded in my psyche in order to understand the natural world better. I’m still learning how to be a good skeptic, and probably will be learning for the rest of my life. It’s not an innate skill. It’s a learned skill, one not helped by our current public school system (a topic I’ll save for later) or cultural biases against logical thought. It is sad to me how many people who work in the sciences have a fundamental misunderstanding of what science even is, much less the rest of us. But because I know that most of us (myself included) are not naturally skilled at thinking scientifically, I want to do whatever I can to promote that bias. If that then leads to agnostic-atheism and total abandonment of faith-based supernatural religion, great! But if instead it leads to a higher percentage of religious scientists like Francis Collins, the director of the National Institute of Health, or like believer and evolutionary biologist Kenneth Miller, that’s at least a start. I think we’ll all be better off if scientific critical thinking dominates over irrational intuitive, dogmatic, magical thinking in pretty much every arena of our lives.

Fight for your Right!

I want to make one thing crystal clear: I would stand up for any religious person’s right to practice their religion in peace and without coercion from the government. My methods for eliminating religion end with promotion of any kind of force. If you have read my blog, you know I’m a strong advocate of Classical Liberal points of view, which espouse the right to live as one sees fit so long as the rights of others are likewise respected. My approach to ending religion by adopting skeptical thinking is purely based in rhetoric, with the exception of instances where religious freedom tramples on the Constitution, or the rights of others. I believe in the power of ideas and words, and my way of promoting skepticism and atheism is by educating, discussing, and sharing personal experience to induce introspection. Or, because I am not necessarily the best thinker the world has to offer on such issues, by promoting the words of others who have more clearly articulated viewpoints I agree with (if you have not read Sam Harris’ [easyazon-link asin=”B003V1WT72″ locale=”us”]The Moral Landscape[/easyazon-link] or Steven Pinker’s [easyazon-link asin=”B0052REUW0″ locale=”us”]The Better Angels of Our Nature[/easyazon-link] or Jared Diamond’s [easyazon-link asin=”B000VDUWMC” locale=”us”]Guns, Germs, and Steel[/easyazon-link] what on earth are you waiting for?).

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life!

I often hear some version of “why would you want to take away a person’s joy by denying them their faith?” In short, I don’t want to take away anyone’s joy. I think our lives should be about promoting joy and reducing sorrow. For me, that is a primary “meaning of life.” Unfortunately, sometimes these goals are in conflict. If we all lived in a private bubble where our thoughts and subsequent actions based on those thoughts never impacted others, then I would say believe in whatever nonsense you wish to your heart’s content. Whatever makes you happy, makes me happy.

But that is simply not how the world and human beings work. Ideas you and I have affect the decisions we make in nearly every aspect of our lives, and as social primates, those decisions impact others, from our children and family, to our friends, to strangers. Case in point: The whole argument against gay marriage is almost entirely a religiously based argument attempting to prevent what should be a secular decision. That is a very real example of how religious beliefs – even of generally kind and generous people – can limit the choices of others who do not hold those beliefs. Or if you want a more graphic example, recently in the news was the story of this child who’s parents prevented him from getting medical attention due to religious beliefs. This baby should still be alive today. I’m sure many people thought his parents were friendly and loving and should be left alone to practice their faith. No one stood up for the child being corrupted by these terrible ideas until it was too late.  What’s worse… this was this couple’s second child who died due to religion inflicted neglect.

Ultimately, what I care most about is finding a way to increase the well-being of conscious creatures, with a premium emphasis on the well-being of Humans, while limiting or eliminating suffering. This is a difficult sea to navigate with many unclear choices, but I believe that it is through science and reason we will be best equipped to truly identify behaviors and strategies that get us closer to that goal. Religious beliefs often arbitrarily restrict our morale thinking for bad or unnecessary reasons, often rooted in ancient – and often wrong — understanding of how humans think and feel and work. More so, as neuroscientists are discovering every day, we can have many of the same gratifying spiritual experiences without actual belief in the supernatural. I suggest you google “God Helmet” for an interesting read. The human mind is an amazing organ. We are only beginning to crack it open and understand what it is capable of and why. Let’s base our moral choices on our best understandings of reality, not superstition. Similar to the goals of the religious evangelist, as a skeptical (or if you must, atheist) “evangelist,” I seek to make the world a better place for all humans. One way I choose to do this is by writing, because it is one skill I am most adept at comparatively to my other skills. For the Christian, or Muslim, or other religious people, their evangelism is often expressed by promoting behaviors that lead to a rewarding afterlife. Unfortunately, those behaviors often lead to terrible ways of treating living humans here on earth. There may be a heaven, but the only thing I know for sure is that there is a life on earth. Right now. I want us all to spend our lives focused on achieving heaven on earth for our fellow human beings. For me, that’s what it’s all about.

So don’t worry… I have no immediate plans to vote to end religion anytime soon, nor do I think religion will be eliminated in my lifetime (or maybe ever… sigh), but I do intend to keep talking. Can I get an Amen? No? No worries.

Cheers,
PersephoneK

[easyazon-image align=”left” asin=”B003V1WT72″ locale=”us” height=”160″ src=”http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/519-RISqkmL._SL160_.jpg” width=”104″] [easyazon-image align=”left” asin=”B0052REUW0″ locale=”us” height=”160″ src=”http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51De3EFfS1L._SL160_.jpg” width=”105″] [easyazon-image align=”left” asin=”B000VDUWMC” locale=”us” height=”160″ src=”http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/516CtJiKwwL._SL160_.jpg” width=”120″]

 

 

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Disagreement Does Not Equal Intolerance

By on June 24, 2013 in Atheism & Skepticism

People sometimes ask me, “why are you so vocal (aka militant) about your atheism? Why do you criticize religion? Why are you intolerant? You’ll never change anyone’s mind.”

My response to that final statement, which informs my answers to the other questions, is “how do you know?” The fact is people do change their minds all the time. Sometimes, less often than I would hope, but it does happen.

However, changing minds about religion is not my primary motivator when I talk about my worldview on this blog and other forums, or social media, and in real life. I have many reasons, but mostly I simply want to be true to myself, be authentic.  Come out from the shadows.  And find like-minded individuals to commiserate with.  Doing so means adhering to a principal I believe in:

I do not believe any idea – religious or secular – should be immune from criticism.

All ideas should be subjected to challenging questions, and be exposed when they make no sense. I strongly believe that we cannot make good decisions as humans when we do not know, or lie to ourselves about, the facts of the natural world.  If in expressing my worldviews which are spawned from this principal I also convince someone to question their supernatural beliefs or even abandon their faith, I will see that as a side benefit victory. Point in fact, I would love if there were no more faith-based religion anywhere.  I think magical thinking holds us back as a species.  It is born from our evolved need for patterns, storytelling, and making sense of the world.

Not all magical thinking is equal. Some ideas are worse than others, and can lead to more harm than those more benign. It is important to note that generally speaking I do not think all, or even most, religious people are bad, stupid, or harmful to society. I once believed in a supernatural god wholeheartedly, and I’m pretty certain my mental capabilities are the same now as they were then.  But religion does breed a kind of dogmatic blindness to critical thinking, and makes it too easy for otherwise good people to behave in very immoral ways. Whenever you establish a-priori views for how the world must be, you throw out the ability to see clearly what actually is because you’re always trying to conform reality to that view. That is the kind of thinking that can (but doesn’t always) lead to other very scary ways of thinking, which in turn can lead to some very destructive and devastating behaviors, even by otherwise good people.

Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster, It’s the End of the World As We Know It!

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster http://www.venganza.org/

Back to the statement that I will never change anyone’s mind, I would only say that I am the product of one such mind-changing.  And I know prominent atheist thinkers like the late Christopher Hitchens, Sam Harris, Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennet (aka The Four Horsemen), among many others, have most certainly changed people’s minds. Minds are changed all the time. Sometimes people just need the tools and knowledge to make the choice to leap from the precipice.

And sometimes they need to be pushed.

I hope this blog and other places I discuss my worldview will push a few people off the cliff, or at least lead them to the edge to peer over. If you are strong in your faith, and unable or unwilling to let it go, then this blog – at least when it’s focused on atheism – probably doesn’t have much to offer you.  And that is fine.  But for those nearing the leap… I want you to know there are others out there like you, and you have a friend in me.

In the process of criticizing beliefs that have traditionally been somewhat protected under the guise of religious tolerance, people will inevitably feel offended. It is not my goal to offend people, but it is a byproduct I cannot control without completely stopping any discussion of who I am, and the things in life that I believe are important – vitally important.  Recently I have been told I am intolerant, and even a bully. I find this astonishing. I do not doubt that there are many atheists and skeptics out there who have no qualms about viciously attacking believers (and other atheists) at any cost. I have often debated with them and even defended Christians and other believers. When I was a fledgling atheist, I was even attacked in forums I visited seeking like minds. It was shocking to me. But I came to understand that the only thing that truly binds atheists together is their lack of belief in supernatural gods. There is no unified “doctrine” or moral code. It’s merely the default way of viewing the natural world. It’s a tired metaphor, but effective: Atheism is a belief system in the way that not collecting stamps is a hobby. Nobody runs around telling people they are a-stamp collectors. Yet, because of the way human minds are wired and the way we’ve evolved, magical thinking won out and placed the burden of proof on the default instead of the other way around (the way science works).

Watery Tarts and their Swords…

As a former Christian myself, I understand why believers believe. And if I am considered to be intolerant and mean, I can’t even imagine the word believers use to describe some of the more direct and combative atheists out there. But I want to clarify one thing…

For me, tolerance has nothing to do with freedom from criticism.

“You can’t expect to wield supreme power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!”

I am a skeptic at heart more than I am an atheist. Being a skeptic (not to be confused with cynic) means evaluating ideas using reason, logic, critical thinking… basically the foundations of the scientific method. Skeptics constantly challenge the status quo, and dogma. They call a spade a spade. They invite debate and discussion. They question everything, probably annoyingly so. But this is not the same thing as personally attacking an individual believer. If you call me ignorant, but do not explain what is ignorant about what I say, you are personally attacking me, or using an ad hominem attack. That is something I am strongly against. But if I call what you believe silly, that is a criticism of an idea, not you. Ideally, I’d follow that criticism up with why I think it’s a silly belief as well. Tolerance is being able to have provocative discussions with those we disagree, and even debate with gloves off regarding the merits of an idea without resorting to personal insults, or violence. In the words of the brilliant skeptic and scientist Carl Sagan, “Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.” That is an axiom I try to live by.

Will I make mistakes? Will I offend inadvertently? Will I occasionally even overstep my own goals and personally attack someone? Much to my chagrin, the answer to all three is most likely yes. That will never be my intention, but it is bound to happen when I am choosing to engage people in debate of such a volatile and emotionally charged topic as religion. I hope you will forgive me when I cross the line. I will forgive you in the same spirit. But we must all try to push back our natural inclination to immediately take offense when someone pushes the boundaries of our personal belief systems and worldviews. We must ask ourselves, is what that person said a criticism of me, or is it a criticism of an idea I find important? If it’s the latter, it is my hope that we engage in thoughtful discussion, instead of throwing barbs (either to ourselves or publicly), and instead of burying our heads in the sand.

There is nothing to be gained as a species by remaining in a criticism-proof Utopian bubble of belief coated in religious tolerance.

I Can’t Read Your Mind, and You Can’t Read Mine

I have also been called closed-minded, I think because I state things with confidence and the assuredness of that moment. This astonishes me even more than being called intolerant, partly because I am the least confident person you’ll probably know, and partly because the facts belie that conclusion. I can understand how in the heat of a discussion our emotions kick in, and we feel like an attack on our beliefs is an attack on our character. Its a knee jerk reaction that can be hard to control.  But simply by exuding confidence, or by rejecting “new” evidence provided to me during a debate (often this is evidence I’ve already considered and moved past), I apparently appear unwilling to change my mind. Nonsense!

First of all, few people ever change their mind in the middle of a debate. Yourself included if you’re honest.

Second, a willingness to hear evidence or argument does not automatically lead to the adoption of evidence. That’s not how critical thinking works, otherwise with each new idea, we’d constantly change our beliefs.

And third, a lack of willingness to hear the same evidence that has already been considered and rejected is simply a way to save life’s precious ever waning time!

Essentially, people confuse my refusal to agree with them in that moment with an unwillingness to listen to new ideas and ponder. We all absorb new information over time. In some cases, it will lead us to a change of mind. In others, the new information will not make the cut. I can assure you, I hear what you say. I think about what you say (if I haven’t already, and sometimes if I have), sometimes for a very, very long time. Probably to an unhealthy level.  But I will not automatically agree with you any more than you will automatically agree with me. If you feel I am truly closed-minded, how can you explain my total 180 in my world view, from strong believer, to atheist, based entirely on new evidence, critical analysis, and consideration of various philosophies?

I can only respond to that critique as it relates to the subject of god or no god by saying this: I am very willing to believe in god in the event there is sufficient (or any) evidence to do so.  Can you say the same for your willingness to abandon your faith?  In short, my question for you is (if you are a believer), what will it take for you to reject god? I have an answer to that question.  Do you?

Now ask yourself who is closed minded?

Imagine No Religion Too

So, yes, full disclosure, it is my goal that one day, faith-based religion ceases to exist. I don’t expect this to happen in my lifetime, but I have decided to make it a personal mission to be part of that dream. This blog is one way I try to contribute. So is sharing my ideas on social media. I don’t believe in forcing anyone to believe anything, but I do believe in the power of words. I have been inspired by amazing writers and speakers, and while I can’t remotely compare myself to the powerhouses of the “new atheist” movement, I can do the best I can with what I have. Ideas matter. Things we believe matter. A common strain in polite society is “I don’t care what you believe, just don’t push your beliefs on me.” If you know me, I doubt you’d be able to think of a time when I’ve ever said anything like that. Usually what people mean is they don’t want to hear a different opinion, or a view that challenges their own. But I’m the girl that sits and listens to the street preacher, or takes their pamphlets to read on the bus,

Monster Shouter (Stephen King’s The Stand)

or invites the Jehovah’s Witness in to have a chat. As long as the discussion is civil, calm, and focused on the topic being debated, I really do want to talk and learn about ideas other than my own, even though sometimes those ideas can even make me uncomfortable. But I would never expect you to adopt my viewpoint, or respect my beliefs simply because I have them. You should adopt my beliefs if I persuade you with evidence and reason. You should be tolerant of my existence, and respect my freedom to think differently from you, but I will never ask you to respect my actual ideas unless they deserve that respect on their own merits. I expect you to expect nothing less of me.

Cheers,

PersephoneK

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My Leap of Un-Faith

By on April 9, 2013 in Atheism & Skepticism

Leap from the precipice

April 1st is always an important anniversary for me. I privately celebrate it each year. I had originally planned to post this on 4/1, but life got in the way.  I usually refer to April 1st as my Epiphany Day, but this year I’ve decided to rename it Precipice Day, or maybe co-name it, because I feel precipice is a more descriptive word for why it’s such an important day to me.  Precipice also has a less religulous ring to it. After reading this, I know that many of you will find it fitting that I have deemed April Fool’s Day as one of the more significant days in my escape from faith, and that is your prerogative. If it gives you joy to see it that way, so be it. The irony hasn’t been lost on me, though I would prefer to think of it as my escape from foolish thinking day, because if I must pick one single day, April 1, 2002 was possibly the most important single day in my deconversion from Christianity to atheism, even more so than 9/11, which I’ve discussed before. This is the story of why.

In an earlier post, I talked briefly about 4/1/2002 and its role in my deconversion, but I want to go a little more in depth, and try to explain a little more clearly what it meant to me. I had recently quit my unfulfilling job, and decided to take a little trip alone before I started the next job a week later. I settled on Lake Tahoe due to the combination of beauty, lots of stuff to do alone (gambling, hiking, etc), and good travel deals. I’d never traveled alone before, and I was looking forward to my four days away in a beautiful place I’d never been before. And I actually hoped it might be a good place to do some soul searching. Little did I know, the searching would begin in my own airport before I even took flight.

As random luck would have it, I was scheduled to fly out of Minneapolis on April 1st. On this particular April 1st, luck decided to throw in a little something extra, a lovely Spring-in-the-Upper-Midwest-Blizzard. Minnesotans this turbulent, and lingering Spring can identify. I ended up stranded at my own airport for twelve hours as I watched my flight keep getting delayed a couple of hours at a time, and finally canceled, forcing me to catch a different flight at around 1 am. This was the recent post-9/11 world of airport security. Even without the snow, leaving the airport would have been a colossal pain. A friend of mine nearly visited me, but the weather and security made it too difficult. So, I had a lot of down time to wander around the (actually pretty awesome) Minneapolis-St. Paul International airport to try to keep myself entertained. This was, after all, the pre-Smart Phone era.

I had been wrestling with my waning faith for quite some time by this point. I was certainly still a Christian*, but the terrorist attacks on 9/11 had rocked my religious world in a pivotal and unimaginable way. 9/11 hadn’t been the first thing to make me question my faith, but I think it was the first event to make me seriously question God’s existence, if only for a fleeting moment. By the time of my Tahoe trip in April 2002, I had not allowed that thought to germinate. It seemed too awful to really consider. Whenever it surfaced, I quickly shoved it aside, as something beyond comprehension. I had tried to never be blindly dogmatic in my religious beliefs. I have always found it important to seek the truth, and had usually found that truth within the pages of the bible, and in the fellowship of church. I believed the humans within the church were not infallible, so despite being raised Lutheran, I considered myself a Christian first. My goal in life had been to understand what God’s purpose for me was, and I took that mission seriously. It was because of that mission and constant learning that I eventually found myself in a crisis of faith. As I grew older, and educated myself more, the threads of the bible were pulled apart more and more by evidence, critical thinking, and science. Yet I was still not able to truly consider the idea that either God may not exist, or he may not be the god I worshiped, namely the Judeo-Christian god of the Old and New Testaments. To me, to do so bordered — and occasionally crossed — the boundaries of blasphemy.

I had hoped this solitary trip might help to clarify for me what exactly had been missing in my faith. I was even hopeful the trip might help me knit the threads of faith back together. Instead, sometime that evening as I wandered through the airport, I stumbled upon a discarded copy of Harper’s Magazine, and my world changed forever.

I noticed the cover of the magazine immediately. It highlighted an article about the Jewish Exodus from Egypt and raised questions about the existence of the Bible’s King David. I’ve always loved archaeology (majored in it for a time at college), so the fact that this was also an article about Biblical archaeology made it ripe for the picking. I devoured the article, and as I sat there absorbing all that I had read, I had a moment of clarity that I have never had before or since.Exodus_Egyptians drowned in the Red Sea

It was not the content of the article that convinced me of anything. I think it had some very interesting points, some of which could be highly debatable, some of which are more than likely truth. But it had questioned the existence of David, which caused a thought in me to click: If David may not have been real… Jesus’ lineage, ergo his divine legitimacy, would also be in question. The Bible had become a House of Cards in seconds. I had believed I was a fairly open-minded Christian, and I still believe I was as open minded as I could be within the boundaries of the faith. I wanted to hear other opinions. I believed it was important to question my faith, and consider other possibilities. I took Paul’s advice to be like the Bereans, to continuously ask questions, and check the scriptures rather than blindly follow.  But until that moment in the airport, I had not realized how limited I was in my endeavor to explore all possibilities. It was as if I was able to go as far as the edge of a high precipice. At the bottom of the cliff was the fiery pit of Hell. If I leaned over, I could feel its warmth, but I couldn’t see the flames. I knew it was there, but didn’t know how far down it was, or if there were any safe places to land – perhaps an outcropping to stand on, or a branch jutting from the rock to grab — before I was consumed by the fire. Prior to finding that Harpers article, I only dared peek over the edge of the precipice, crawling on hands and knees, never really getting close to the edge. After reading it, I took a few steps back, took a deep breath, ran towards the edge…

… and I leaped.

From that moment on, as gravity pushed me toward the bottom of the unknown abyss, I was in complete peace knowing I was free to explore any and all possibilities of our existence and purpose. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: I felt as though a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt like I was floating, drifting on the air like a feather with the wholly comforting thought that god may exist, or god may not exist, but I am now free to fully question his existence, and go wherever the truth leads me.

Come what may.

In that moment, I did not become an atheist. I still believed in “god” in the most abstract sense. But I was fairly certain that the Bible’s many versions of god were not accurate. My church’s version of god was not accurate. My version of god was not accurate. Along with these new confidences, I felt sure that if the god I had loved throughout my faith did in fact exist, and I was wrong, that he would be able to see into my heart and know that all I did was use the tools of reason and critical thinking that he gave me to arrive at whatever conclusion I came to. That I never sought to leave him. At one point, I would have died for him. That he would see that I am a good person who only wants to understand the truth. If at the end, I decided, that honesty gets me a final trip into Hell, then the god I loved is not the real god anyway, and there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. For the god I loved, would not allow a good person to suffer an eternity in torture and despair.

Fire_iStock_000020144064_ExtraSmallAfter I took the leap off of the precipice, it was a relatively short trip from non-Christian, to agnostic, to agnostic-atheist. I even flirted with Buddhism for a microsecond, and then let that go for the same reasons I let Yahweh go. I could no longer un-see reality. Once you’re freed of dogma, (and the threat of eternal suffering), it’s amazing how reality constantly bangs you over the head. There’s no need to create elaborate explanations to make sense of events in nature, to conform them to what my church, or bible, or spiritual leaders have taught me. There is only the truth (and that’s truth, not Truth). It exists whether I believe in it or not. Occam’s Razor wins.

I’m still learning every day, but I’m no longer hindered by fear of eternal damnation in my pursuit of the truth. That has made all the difference. And I believe I am not alone. It’s a terrifying thing to let go of faith, even when your powers of reason tell you it’s the correct path. Our brains are wired to believe things that aren’t here. To believe that the things that go bump in the night will find us. To believe that the way to survive into a mythical next life is by latching onto a more powerful magical thing in the sky. To believe in supernatural agency, according to Dr. Michael Shermer, may be an evolutionary byproduct of patternicity, a thing that kept us from being eaten by lions in the tall African grasses. Fighting innate traits developed over millions of years is a difficult thing. It’s not easy to take that leap. But not doing so holds us back. Believing the lie is comforting. Believing in reality can be terrifying, but it’s also exhilarating, and freeing, and ultimately, the only way I want to live.

Cheers,

PersephoneK

*In my 9/11 10 Year Anniversary blog where I discussed 4/1/2002, I said that 9/11 was the day I became an atheist. I still believe that is true, from a metaphorical, or symbolic, point of view, but I only realized it much later. Strictly speaking though, I believed in god in some form or another, for quite some time following 9/11. Apologies if that was, or is, confusing.

 

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